Singles, we have a problem! I like how this meme (jokingly) captures that essence of our problem.
We look for the one. That one person that will make us happy. That one person that we can look at all day. But the problem is, one does not simply find the one.
I hope we can shift our perspective and learn a better principle we need to live by – search inside not outside. Let me clarify that as I discuss, and debunk the “Right Person” Myth.
MYTH #1 – If I marry the right person, everything will be alright.
This is one of the right person myths that we buy into. If I marry the right person, everything will be all right – no more problems, all butterflies and rainbows, in love – forever.
That’s why we want to meet the right one. Another version of the myth goes like this, “when I meet the right person, everything will be alright.”
MYTH #1 (revised) – If I meet the right person, everything will be alright
You cannot put all your hope in that one person because finding the “right person” does not mean that automatically everything is going to be happily-ever-after because each individual has their individual problems. Let’s look at this math equation:
One single person with problems + one single person with problems = High probability of a relationship/marital problems:
One single person with problems + one single person = Medium probability of a relationship/marital problems
One single person + one single person = Low probability of a relationship/marital problems
That’s why we have to think about it this way: the present will be your past which will be present in your future.
For example, how you perform today will affect tomorrow. If you have unfinished work you will be loaded with that unfinished work tomorrow. Your present, will be present in the future
If you are single and you are dealing with commitment issues, anger management or dishonestly, this will all be seen in the future or in your marriage. Or if you are single and you have learned how to love unconditionally, how to be patient and live a life of integrity, this will all be seen in the future or in your marriage as well.
Married people thought that when they get married, it’s going to be a new beginning, a brand new day, and indeed it usually feels that way when you get married. It feel like the past is gone, a brand new thing is coming, we’re moving on and we’re cutting all our ties from the past. That’s what they thought. What they didn’t know is this that their present, became their past, which will show up in their future. That’s why everything will not be totally be alright.
Also, people don’t get that saying “I do” does not mean it magically teachs you how to love, commit, respect and all the other good virtues a marriage needs. That doesn’t not make me un-romantic – it’s just common sense. Promising someone that you will speak Mandarin does not mean you can magically speak Mandarin.
The good things will also be brought into married but the bad things will be brought into as well so not everything will be alright. That’s why meeting the right person, will not necessarily mean everything will be alright.
MYTH #2 – Chemistry is Important in finding the One
They say, to know if she/he is the one there should be chemistry. And when there is so much chemistry, they’re convinced that they’ve met the right person.
So these people get together and they say, “You know you never buy a car without driving it first and you never buy shoes with trying them first.” They get into this intimacy thing going and the physical thing going and the sex thing going, and it feels like it’s the greatest thing in the world. When they’re together, they just stare at each other and go out to eat, drink and have fun. They believe they were made for each other – soul mates. They really believed, that it’s this one of a kind; no one can match this love.
They’re so convinced of their chemistry, so they get together, and they get married. They’re convinced that they’ve met the right person. And since I’ve met the right person, everything’s going to be alright.
But chemistry does not make a relationship work or last.
The problem is, all they had was chemistry. They knew nothing about relationships. The wrong mentality is this: when they meet the right person, I don’t have to be good at relationships because they’re going to be good at relationships, that’s why they’re the right person. I don’t have to be patient because she’s not going to do anything that will make me have to be patient. I don’t have to learn how to love unconditionally because I should not have a hard time loving him/her. I don’t have to get mad because she/he will always try to make me happy
There is a big difference between chemistry and commitment. Commitment deals with character and proper character is need for a relationship to work out. When they have problems. Guess what kind of problems they have? It’s not chemistry problems, they have relationship problems because they’re in a relationship.
But they didn’t do anything to prepare for the relationship because they taught chemistry is needed. They just believed this song in heart – love will keep us alive!
Because they thought, it’s the right person myth, if I meet the right person and there is chemistry, everything’s going to be alright. Here is the sad part after all of the problems, they realize “I know what’s wrong with my marriage! I married the wrong person!” That why most 2nd marriages have a higher failure rate than 1st marriages because they do the very same thing again expecting different results. It becomes a cycle.
So instead of spending all your time and energy trying to find the “right person,” intentionally work on becoming the right person. Prepare for your future “right person.”
The Bible doesn’t tell us too much on how to find Mr or Mrs Right, but it does have lots of principles on how to prepare for a relationship. After all, we were created for a relationship but it doesn’t happen accidentally or magically – it takes work, intentionality, research, time, and effort
This is the new rule – Become the person you are looking for, is looking for?
If you want to prepare for a relationship learn how to love the right way and the Bible is super clear on what it means to love:
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.
Love isn’t a word, it’s a decision that shows into action. Love here means agape – it is a sacrificial and unconditional love
- Forbearing or long suffering (picture of self-restraint)
- Never pressures the other person (willing to wait)
- How patient are you?
- To show oneself useful
- To act benevolently
- Are you caring to the people you are with?
- Does not envy
- Does not covet
- Not Jealous over
- Do you have a Crab Mentality?
- Does not boast; not Proud:
- Not Boastful
- You don’t always have to be right
- Learn to admit when you are wrong.
- Men, learn how to say “sorry!”
- Does Not Dishonour:
- Does not behave unseemly
- Not engaging any person in ungodly activity
- Doesn’t not start any unwholesome activity
- It is not self-seeking
- Considers the interest of others
- Men, when was the last time you opened the door for someone?
- Sometimes we neglect the simple things we need to practice
- Practice selflessness
- It is not easily angered and it keeps no record of wrong
- Do not count the mistakes of others
- Learn how to forgive – forgive and let go.
- Relationships gets burned by counting faults
- Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.
- Never delighting in another person’s unrighteous behaviour, nor join it’s expression
- Finding great joy when truth prevails in another person’s life
- Express unshakeable confidence and trust in others
- Outlast every assault of Satan to break up relationships
These are principles that must be developed and learned over time. Practice these characteristics in every relationship (family, friends, co-workers, and strangers) so that by the time the “right person” shows up in your life, it will be natural for you to do these things.
Best people to practice this is your family. How you treat your family might also be how you treat your family in the future. Practice and prepare. Show love to them. Learn how to develop the right kind of people through them Remember – the present will be your past which will be present in your future.
Stop looking, start preparing.
I know sometimes it’s hard to love and our capability to love can only be strong once we learn how much God loves you. The bible says that God is Love and we love because He first loved us. Immerse yourself in the love of God and allow it to change you. Only through the love of God will be have the capability to love others.
Don’t get hung up on looking for the right one. Be right first. Are you the person you are looking for, is looking for?
Note from the author: This message was adopted from Northpoint Community Church, which is the church Pastored by Andy Stanley. Most of the content is from Andy Stanley’s material.