The Truth About Finding “The One”

Singles, we have a problem! I like how this meme (jokingly) captures that essence of our problem.

One does not merely find the one

We look for the one. That one person that will make us happy. That one person that we can look at all day. But the problem is, one does not simply find the one.

I hope we can shift our perspective and learn a better principle we need to live by – search inside not outside. Let me clarify that as I discuss, and debunk the “Right Person” Myth.

MYTH #1 – If I marry the right person, everything will be alright.

This is one of the right person myths that we buy into. If I marry the right person, everything will be all right – no more problems, all butterflies and rainbows, in love – forever.

That’s why we want to meet the right one. Another version of the myth goes like this, “when I meet the right person, everything will be alright.”

MYTH #1 (revised) – If I meet the right person, everything will be alright

You cannot put all your hope in that one person because finding the “right person” does not mean that automatically everything is going to be happily-ever-after because each individual has their individual problems. Let’s look at this math equation:

One single person with problems + one single person with problems = High probability of a relationship/marital problems:

One single person with problems + one single person = Medium probability of a relationship/marital problems

One single person + one single person = Low probability of a relationship/marital problems

That’s why we have to think about it this way: the present will be your past which will be present in your future.

For example, how you perform today will affect tomorrow. If you have unfinished work you will be loaded with that unfinished work tomorrow. Your present, will be present in the future

If you are single and you are dealing with commitment issues, anger management or dishonestly, this will all be seen in the future or in your marriage. Or if you are single and you have learned how to love unconditionally, how to be patient and live a life of integrity, this will all be seen in the future or in your marriage as well.

Married people thought that when they get married, it’s going to be a new beginning, a brand new day, and indeed it usually feels that way when you get married. It feel like the past is gone, a brand new thing is coming, we’re moving on and we’re cutting all our ties from the past. That’s what they thought. What they didn’t know is this that their present, became their past, which will show up in their future. That’s why everything will not be totally be alright.

Also, people don’t get that saying “I do” does not mean it magically teachs you how to love, commit, respect and all the other good virtues a marriage needs. That doesn’t not make me un-romantic – it’s just common sense. Promising someone that you will speak Mandarin does not mean you can magically speak Mandarin.

The good things will also be brought into married but the bad things will be brought into as well so not everything will be alright. That’s why meeting the right person, will not necessarily mean everything will be alright.

MYTH #2 – Chemistry is Important in finding the One

They say, to know if she/he is the one there should be chemistry. And when there is so much chemistry, they’re convinced that they’ve met the right person.

So these people get together and they say, “You know you never buy a car without driving it first and you never buy shoes with trying them first.” They get into this intimacy thing going and the physical thing going and the sex thing going, and it feels like it’s the greatest thing in the world. When they’re together, they just stare at each other and go out to eat, drink and have fun. They believe they were made for each other – soul mates. They really believed, that it’s this one of a kind; no one can match this love.

They’re so convinced of their chemistry, so they get together, and they get married. They’re convinced that they’ve met the right person. And since I’ve met the right person, everything’s going to be alright.

But chemistry does not make a relationship work or last.

The problem is, all they had was chemistry. They knew nothing about relationships. The wrong mentality is this: when they meet the right person, I don’t have to be good at relationships because they’re going to be good at relationships, that’s why they’re the right person. I don’t have to be patient because she’s not going to do anything that will make me have to be patient. I don’t have to learn how to love unconditionally because I should not have a hard time loving him/her. I don’t have to get mad because she/he will always try to make me happy

There is a big difference between chemistry and commitment. Commitment deals with character and proper character is need for a relationship to work out. When they have problems. Guess what kind of problems they have? It’s not chemistry problems, they have relationship problems because they’re in a relationship.

But they didn’t do anything to prepare for the relationship because they taught chemistry is needed. They just believed this song in heart – love will keep us alive

Because they thought, it’s the right person myth, if I meet the right person and there is chemistry, everything’s going to be alright. Here is the sad part after all of the problems, they realize “I know what’s wrong with my marriage! I married the wrong person!” That why most 2nd marriages have a higher failure rate than 1st marriages because they do the very same thing again expecting different results. It becomes a cycle.

So instead of spending all your time and energy trying to find the “right person,” intentionally work on becoming the right person. Prepare for your future “right person.”

The Bible doesn’t tell us too much on how to find Mr or Mrs Right, but it does have lots of principles on how to prepare for a relationship. After all, we were created for a relationship but it doesn’t happen accidentally or magically – it takes work, intentionality, research, time, and effort

This is the new rule – Become the person you are looking for, is looking for?

If you want to prepare for a relationship learn how to love the right way and the Bible is super clear on what it means to love:

1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.

Love isn’t a word, it’s a decision that shows into action. Love here means agape – it is a sacrificial and unconditional love

  • Patient
    • Forbearing or long suffering (picture of self-restraint)
    • Never pressures the other person (willing to wait)
    • How patient are you?
  • Kind
    • To show oneself useful
    • To act benevolently
    • Are you caring to the people you are with?
  • Does not envy
    • Does not covet
    • Not Jealous over
    • Do you have a Crab Mentality?
  • Does not boast; not Proud:
    • Not Boastful
    • You don’t always have to be right
    • Learn to admit when you are wrong.
    • Men, learn how to say “sorry!”
  • Does Not Dishonour:
    • Does not behave unseemly
    • Not engaging any person in ungodly activity
    • Doesn’t not start any unwholesome activity
  • It is not self-seeking
    • Considers the interest of others
    • Men, when was the last time you opened the door for someone?
    • Sometimes we neglect the simple things we need to practice
    • Practice selflessness
  • It is not easily angered and it keeps no record of wrong
    • Do not count the mistakes of others
    • Learn how to forgive – forgive and let go.
    • Relationships gets burned by counting faults
  • Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.
    • Never delighting in another person’s unrighteous behaviour, nor join it’s expression
    • Finding great joy when truth prevails in another person’s life
    • Express unshakeable confidence and trust in others
    • Outlast every assault of Satan to break up relationships

These are principles that must be developed and learned over time. Practice these characteristics in every relationship (family, friends, co-workers, and strangers) so that by the time the “right person” shows up in your life, it will be natural for you to do these things.

Best people to practice this is your family. How you treat your family might also be how you treat your family in the future. Practice and prepare. Show love to them. Learn how to develop the right kind of people through them Remember – the present will be your past which will be present in your future.
Stop looking, start preparing.

I know sometimes it’s hard to love and our capability to love can only be strong once we learn how much God loves you. The bible says that God is Love and we love because He first loved us. Immerse yourself in the love of God and allow it to change you. Only through the love of God will be have the capability to love others.

Don’t get hung up on looking for the right one. Be right first. Are you the person you are looking for, is looking for?

Note from the author: This message was adopted from Northpoint Community Church, which is the church Pastored by Andy Stanley. Most of the content is from Andy Stanley’s material.

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Its been three years

Its been three years. I’ve been involved in different ministries before but I have never been as immersed as I am right now in a church ministry.

Its been three years…

Its been three years since I started serving in the singles ministry of CCF Alabang.

I remember the first year we re-launched the singles ministry and gave it the name B1G South. Why B1G South? Well, we just wanted to align with the name of the singles ministry in CCF Center, which was B1G, and we just want to be distinguished as the B1G ministry in the South, therefore the name B1G South.

The first year was exciting! There were too many things to expect and everyone looked hopeful about what the Lord can do. It was a time where everyone was on fire to serve. But as I have realized through the past three years, it’s not how you start – it’s how to you end and remain faithful.

True enough as the months and years passed by, slowly you’ll observe who are really those who are passionate about serving the Lord and continuing to run despite so many oppositions.

There were leaders who have said their goodbyes and I will forever be grateful for their heart of service. But there are those who have never said their goodbyes and just left. It’s sad. I hope everyone can give the same passion in serving God just like how it was when the ministry was starting.

crossroadBut the effect of time, failures, frustrations, disappointments, and a lot of other things can really leave a leader tired and worn out. At that time where he or she is at the crossroads of life, a decision should be made. Do you stay or do you go? Do you quit or do you continue to hope and run the marathon? By God’s grace, for the past three years I have chosen to continue to run, and have been trying to run well.

Was there a time where I wanted to throw the towel and quit? I would be lying if I said no. But what made me continue? What made me not quit? Honestly, I could not think of one reason alone, because there’s too many.

I love God too much to quit and exit saying “I quit because I don’t trust You, Lord.” I love the people that God has called me to serve that I cannot abandon my post until such time that I am assigned to another. I don’t want to look back and think what could have been. I want to look back and say I gave it my all – I tried to run the race as faithfully as I can. I want to continue putting my hope in God that I know he will always be faithful and true. I know my God is greater when I am not.

Its been three years…

I haven’t been perfect and there were times I haven’t been faithful to what the Lord wants me to do. But one thing will always remain the same. Throughout those years, the Lord has always been faithful.

My discipler asked us to write our faith monuments. Those times where you saw the Lord’s faithfulness in your life. As flawed individuals, we are very prone to forget. We can easily forget who the Lord is, and what he has done. And these faith monuments should be a reminder to you. When things get rough and you feel like quitting – don’t. Remember who the Lord is, He is faithful. Remember what the Lord has done, He has always been faithful.

This is one of my faith monuments. Throughout those three years, the Lord has been faithful. When he called me to start leading the ministry, I felt so inadequate. I had so many questions in my mind. I had so many fears inside.

I felt like Moses, saying to God “Me, Lord? Are you serious?” “I’m not even capable of preaching yet.” “I don’t know if I am eloquent enough.”

Exodus 4:10 – Then Moses said to the Lord, “Please, Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither recently nor in time past, nor since You have spoken to Your servant; for I am slow of speech and slow of tongue.”

 

I felt like Jeremiah, saying to the Lord “I’m so young Lord, do you really want me to lead people who might be older than me”

Jeremiah 1:6-7 – 6 Then I said, “Alas, Lord God! Behold, I do not know how to speak, because I am a youth.” 7 But the Lord said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am a youth,’ because everywhere I send you, you shall go, and all that I command you, you shall speak.

 

But I felt like Isaiah, saying to God “Here I am. Send me!

There was a conflict inside me, I was scared and felt so inadequate but I felt that this is really what he wants for me. The moment that I reject it and run away from it, I know dissatisfaction will just hunt me. So I said yes to the call and even went full-time after a couple of months.

Its been a year, since I started leading the B1GSouth ministry. Its been three years, since I served in this ministry. It has only been a year since I took over the role as the over all leader and being a leader is not an easy role. But to see lives get changed, all for the glory of God is priceless.

Its been three years…

I will forever be grateful to the one who has called me despite my unworthiness. I will forever serve the One who gave it all. I will forever sing praises to His name; giving Him always the glory He deserves.

Happy third anniversary B1G South. All glory to God alone!

B1G South 3rd Anniv

 

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Hope in God

What do you hope for? Do you hope for a new job? A new relationship? A new adventure in life? A new smartphone? But first let me ask you this question, what is hope?

Hope looks at the future. You are hoping because there is something to look forward to. Hope is a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. Single individuals might hope in their work to achieve their goals and dream. Or they might hope for a relationship where they would receive the love they need. These can be the wrong anchors or sources of our hope.

Hebrews 12:2 says keep your eyes on Jesus who perfects our faith. It is actually saying that we are to hope in God. Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. Wherever there is full assurance of hope, there is faith. Faith is the full assurance of hope. Hope is part of Faith. Therefore, in Hebrews 12 God is the author or source of our faith, and He is the source of our hope. He is the one we are to hope for because he will be the one who will make what we hope for come into a reality. Look at what Romans 15:13 says also.

Romans 15:13

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

When is says “God of Hope” it means God is the source of hope. I like how its translated in the NLT version, it says: “God, the source of hope, will.” Hope here in Greek is elpis meaning expectation, trust, confidence and expectation of what is sure or certain. We can now relate this to God the source of hope as God our source of confidence as we expect something to be sure or certain.

That’s why I would like to define hope as CONFIDENCE IN THE FUTURE ANCHORED ON GOD WITH GREAT EXPECTATIONS

Great Expectations because God can do more than what we could think of our imagine and because we expect it to actually happen. One famous preacher said, biblical hope is just not a desire but it expects it to happen

This is an message directed towards singles. As single individuals we should hope in God in these three areas:

  1. Hope in God as our Hope in our Work
  2. Hope in God as our Hope in our Relationships
  3. Hope in God as our Hope in our Future

1) HOPE IN OUR WORK

What could possibly we be your hope in your work? What are you hoping for in your work? Do you hope your office will look as cool as the office of Google, Dropbox or Lego? Or are you hoping to find the right career?

For most of us I know this is something that we want to achieve that’s why we hope for it. We even pray for it. We hope to find our dream job. We might be in a place right now were there’s too much work and we feel that compensation is not at par with the load you are given. You have too many overtime plus there’s office politics.

Do not endure because of your hope in finding the right job someday, but work because you are working for the Lord

Colossians 3:23-24

23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, 24 since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.

Look at the hope that is being mentioned here – “since you know what you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as reward.” You will get a reward as you live a life of obedience, just working for the Lord even if you earthly bosses doesn’t reward you.

That’s why you are to respond properly and do your best in your work. Love the people (your officemates) you work with and share Jesus to them. Show Jesus in how you do your work and do not crumble

I know this is easier said than done. I have experienced this. But let your focus be on desiring to hear from God “Well done good in faithful servant.” Imagine that kind of a reward! And as we work for him, the Lord will empower us to work with passion and love for what we are doing when we rely on Him and the power of the Holy Spirit

Our hope in work should also not be to gather riches in this world which his temporary.

1 Timothy 6:17

Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment.

Put hope not on Money but the Lord. That you may find security in Him and not in material possession.

2) HOPE IN OUR RELATIONSHIPS

What are you hoping for in your relationships? Finding the Perfect Partner? Or the hope that marriage will solve everything?

I appeal to you brothers and sisters that our hope to get love and attention should not be on people. People are not perfect. They will fail us. Hope is secure in God because God is not changing and will never fail us. That’s why single individuals are not to focus on marriage as a means to an end to this single life but our focus is to be the best the Lord wants us to be.

I don’t know if you’ve read this article entitled “Marriage Isn’t for You.” It went viral and got a million hits. Seth Adam Smith, the writer, got it!

“Having been married only a year and a half, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for me,” Smith begins, before pulling a bait and switch on the reader and launching into his pro-marriage stance, which he developed after getting cold feet before his wedding to wife Kim. “Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was Kim the right person to marry? Would she make me happy?”

Turned to his father for guidance and says that what he learned was life-altering. “He said, ‘Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.’”

I believe this is the kind of selfless love that we need to develop. This is the kind of love that we need to learn how to practice in our family and friends. And we can only learn how to do this once we understand that true love can only be found in the Lord.

What should be our hope in our relationships? Our hope in our relationships for the people that we love is for them to know the Lord. We should not be selfish. We should only look after their best. And that is for them to have a relationship with the Lord and experience eternal life with Him in heaven someday.

But you can only hope in God – that the power of His love and grace will be able to transform them. Because change is not dependent on us but on the Lord.

1 Corinthians 3:4-6

4 When one of you says, “I am a follower of Paul,” and another says, “I follow Apollos,” aren’t you acting just like people of the world? 5 After all, who is Apollos? Who is Paul? We are only God’s servants through whom you believed the Good News. Each of us did the work the Lord gave us. 6 I planted the seed in your hearts, and Apollos watered it, but it was God who made it grow.

If you are praying for the salvation of a family member – Hope in the Lord. If you are leading a bible study group or discipleship group, you need to realize that change will not come from you but from God.
Of course, you have to do your part in being faithful to sharing Jesus to them. That they may get to know the Lord and be secured in their future. You need to take action! It’s hope that moves. Hope in God.

3) OUR HOPE IN OUR FUTURE

It is our future destination that gives us hope.

Colossians 1:4-5

4 For we have heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and your love for all of God’s people, 5 which come from your confident hope of what God has reserved for you in heaven. You have had this expectation ever since you first heard the truth of the Good News.

Not matter what we are going through in this earth – trails, pain, hardship, etc. It is nothing compared to eternity. Our time here is just like a day that has gone by compared to eternity. What should you value more, 60 years on earth or limitless years in eternity?

Think about it. Hardship is just like a second compared to an eternity of pleasure with the Lord in Heaven.
That’s why as children of God, we always have hope! Maybe on the earth you feel none but this is only our temporary place.

As singles, we are easily prone to lose our eternal focus because of the things we want to do. We want to achieve a lot in our work. We want to be fit and exercise. We want to travel and see the whole world. We want to try a new hobby or start investing to save for the future.

But it is not the temporary investments that you should give your time and effort to but on the things that will have eternal value. This is where we should invest our time and effort into. That means sharing Jesus to people around you because their relationship with Him is what will last all throughout eternity. And if that means you are to do your best in your office, in hope that people will see Jesus in you, then do so passionately.

Have the right anchor in your hope. Hope in God alone in your work, relationship and future. God is our hope which will never disappoint us and fail us. There will be a time where we will have problems and go through trials. What should keep us going is our hope in God and in his never ending love.

I love this story about a guy in Bangladesh who was being persecuted and was going through a tough time but had anchored his hope in Jesus Christ alone. This is what he said:

Milon says, “We are going through many problems, but still we have Jesus Christ. We have peace through Him, and we have hope that when we die we will go to heaven.”

This guy knew where to place his hope. How about you? Where are you putting your hope into? Is it anchored in the right foundation?

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